Tantrums are the bane of every parent’s existence. They’re loud, frustrating, and can be hard to manage. And public tantrums are even worse. I’m sure most parents-myself included-saw our fare share of screaming children in restaurants, shopping malls, and public parks and said: “My child is never going to act like that. I wouldn’t let them!” And yet, like most parental experiences we swear we’ll never ever have, there comes the time when your child will throw that very loud, very dramatic, and very public tantrum. How do you manage the tantrum without compromising your parental rules? How do you minimize the annoyance to the people around you? What’s the best way to deal with public tantrums? Through my own experience in managing a public tantrum, I hope you’ll find a way to deal with your own child’s public tantrum.

The Tantrum

I took my 4-year-old daughter Anne with me to grocery shop at the local supermarket, which has those neat mini-shopping carts for kids. Anne and I both love them, because she likes to “help out” and I like the fact that she’s less prone to wandering when she has a cart of her own. Everything was going smoothly, we picked up crackers, juice, pasta and soup without much trouble. But as we passed another aisle, Anne stopped in her tracks. Why?

The Candy Aisle.

The Candy Aisle, from the view of most parents, is the worst aisle in the store. (Frozen desserts come in at a close second.) Kids love candy. They want candy. They really want it. They need it. They need candy, lots of candy, and they need it now.

“Mom, can we get candy?” she asked, with her eyes wide at the prospect of loading up on sweet treats.

I reminded her that we had candy at home already, so we didn’t need to buy any.

But she was not deterred. “Mom, I need candy right now!”

I’m sure you can see where this is going. I told her no, because we had candy at home. She persisted. I still said no. Her face began to get a little red. She huffed. And stomped her foot. I told her to keep walking, because we weren’t getting any candy today.

She said, louder than before: “But I want it!”

In a way, the beginnings of tantrums are like seeing a fragile glass bowl slip from the counter-you can see it falling, you know it’s going to fall, but you’re just not able to stop it in time.

Before I could do anything, Anne screeched-piercing, long and very loud. I saw people in the vicinity turning to give us that “Oh here we go“ look, like I’ve deliberately come to the store in order to annoy them. But unlike previous public tantrums, I was prepared to deal with this one.

Stay calm

A parent’s first instinct when dealing with a public tantrum is usually to yell at their child-”Be quiet!” “Stop crying!” “Stop that!” This reaction is a natural reaction caused by frustration and embarrassment due to the public setting. But sometimes our natural reactions are not the best way to deal with a situation. If you’re getting mad, upset, and frustrated, you will only add energy to the tantrum by screaming or yelling along with your child.

It’s important to remain calm and level-headed as you proceed to deal with the public tantrum. Being calm not only makes it easier for you to deal with the situation, it shows that you know how to deal with your child without resorting to childish behavior yourself.

I know I sometimes have a problem with getting frustrated when my daughter is misbehaving. So remaining calm was a very important step for me, and I prepared for it. Before I said or did anything in response to Anne’s tantrum, I took a few deep breaths and centered myself to keep myself level headed.

Practice ‘ICE’ to manage the tantrum.

Over the course of my daughter’s public tantrum flares, I’ve developed a technique I like to call ICE.

ICE stands for Ignore, Consequences, and Exit. The ICE technique is a threefold step process. If the first step does not succeed in calming the tantrum, the second step should be used, and so on.

Ignore

Tantrums are often an attempt to get attention, and lots of it. So giving into the tantrum and giving your child what they want-you pleading with them or arguing with them or trying to bribe them-is only going to exacerbate the problem.

The first step I took when dealing with Anne’s grocery store tantrum was to ignore it. I pushed my cart along past her, turned around and told her to follow me. I didn’t acknowledge her tantrum, thereby avoiding adding excess energy to the situation. I took a few steps more, keeping my eye on her while making it clear I was not giving in, but she was still screaming and stomping her feet.

Consequences

If ignoring the tantrum does not diffuse the situation, then consequences for their behavior need to be warned and then enforced. What you choose to use for a consequence is all up to your own parenting style. My consequence of choice varies upon where we are when the tantrum occurs. The consequences for tantrums in areas where she wants to be-such as helping me shop, or playing at a playground-are removal from the area. If we are somewhere she doesn’t want to be, or doesn’t care if we leave, my consequences are related to limiting her playtime at home, going to bed early, and otherwise restricting fun activities. If you lay out a consequence, be prepared to follow through with it.

In this case, Anne wanted to be at the grocery store, so I laid out the consequence in a calm voice: “If you continue to behave this way, I am taking you home and I will come back by myself. If you want to stay and help me shop, then stop screaming and come with me.”

The Consequences step is usually as far as I need to go. However, in this case, Anne would not be persuaded to end her tantrum. She plopped her butt on the floor and cried that heaving, sobbing, I-didn’t-get-my-way sort of cry. People were definitely staring at this point, and I heard a few murmurs about “Oh, just get the kid some candy!” Fortunately, I’m not into the idea of giving into tantrums and allowing that kind of behavior to be rewarded.

Exit

The final step of ICE is to exit the location and/or remove the child from the situation. In some instances, this may be your first step due to the nature of the location. For example, tantrums inside movie theaters should involve the immediate removal of the child to avoid disturbing other patrons. Removing the child from the situation may not immediately diffuse the public tantrum, but it does let them know that their behavior is not going to be tolerated. You can remove the child completely by taking them home, or taking them to another location to cool down, such as your car or a bathroom.

As for Anne, I asked the nearest employee if it was all right that I left our carts with them-they said yes, so I pushed both carts aside, lifted Anne up and carried her from the store. She screamed all the way to the car, but her sobbing quieted down as I buckled her in and pulled out of the parking lot. She was completely fine by the time we arrived home, but since she didn’t behave when I told her the consequence, she had to stay home with a neighbor while I finished up the shopping.

Results

Was my ICE technique a success?

Well, the next weekend we went to a local superstore for new sheets, and had to pass by the toy aisle to get to the linens.

“Mom, can I get a toy?”

“No, we’re not getting any toys today.”

I saw those minute beginnings of tears, and reminded her: “Remember what happened last weekend at the grocery store?”

She immediately wiped her tears and skipped ahead of the toy aisles.